


Drop the Masquerade

by HGIndustrialis



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Blood, Kissing, M/M, Making Out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26521936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HGIndustrialis/pseuds/HGIndustrialis
Summary: Holden and Miller separate from the crew on Eros, both reckless in their own fashion-- Holden, trying to be a saviour, and Miller, trying to die. This is a short series about Miller unpacking his self-imposed obsession with Julie Mao and the well of self-loathing beneath it all through a connection with Holden.Later chapters may be explicit.
Relationships: Jim Holden/Joe Miller
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	1. Borrowed Time

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is a minor re-imagining of a great scene at the end of season one that I needed to be way MORE queer and way LESS toxic. I hope you enjoy it!

Lethal dose of radiation.

Miller deteriorated much sooner than Holden, his body suffering from internal hemorrhaging and decay. His gums bled, filling his mouth with iron. Still, Miller knew that Holden was unaccustomed to illness, and knew the Earther’s stage progression was bothering him more than he let on. Had to be feeling sick as hell.

Miller doubled over and spat another mouthful of blood onto the floor mural. The nausea sucked.

Holden watched him with a grim fear that the Belter wasn’t going to make it out of this room let alone off the station.

Inside the game parlor, they both watched and waited for a group of those CPM cops to clear out of the abandoned square.

“What do you think they’re building?” Holden asked quietly.

Miller glanced back at the machines behind them and wished he hadn’t. He didn’t like being in here at all, made his skin crawl and his body tight. “Let’s go ask ‘em-- ”

Holden caught him by the arm tightly, “There are _six_ of them out there _heavily armed._ ”

Miller swallowed some blood. His whole bodied shuddered. “Alright, so the math sucks,” Miller said.

“Hey, why is everything so half-cocked with you?” Holden growled.

Miller opened his mouth and then shut it. No come backs now. He thought about Julie-- phantasmal, out of reach, and now gone forever-- and how she was the promise he thought he ought to keep; a projection of the person he thought he ought to be.

Holden’s face changed. Mouth parted, eyes sad. Maybe he realized it now, Miller thought. He realized it the way that the sex worker at the bar had, too. Both of them beautiful in that sorrow.

Miller reached out and pulled Holden by the neck. Their lips pressed. Holden froze pushing Miller’s weapon away from them.

Miller came closer with the rest of his body, kissing the Earther again. This time, Holden responded, kissing the Belter in return, mouth open and eyes half-closed.

Miller lost his senses, nearly dropping his gun if not for Holden controlling it, and planted kiss after rhythmic kiss on his lips and in his mouth. He pushed Holden against the wall, eliciting a heavy breath, until Miller cooled down and pulled away.

James felt winded, enthralled; left alone now with the tinny aftertaste of Miller’s blood.

Miller wasn’t looking at him anymore. Holden caught movement outside. “Miller. Miller! Get down, someone’s coming!”

They ducked under the Panchinko machines in the center of the room. Holden had the gun.

A CPM officer came in by himself to play the games... while the station was dying. He grabbed the nearest one, right over Miller, and plugged in some scrip left behind on the bar. He spent a long ass time trying to score, too.

Miller struggled not to cough.

The CPM officer scored and the whole machine lit up and chimed. Chips tumbled out of the machine like water. Holden’s eyes were locked onto Miller’s, and Miller tried to use his gaze to gesture to the CPM officer. Holden looked terrified.

Those chips poured out and onto the floor. That CPM officer bent down to pick them up and came eye to eye with Holden like a cornered beast with that gun. Miller didn’t wait. He came out from under the machine and slid to grab the CPM officer in a choke hold, pulling him backwards onto the ground and squeezing him tight.

Holden emerged too and fought the CPM officer’s flailing limbs, keeping them off any other weapons and away from Miller’s body. Slowly, the strength faded, and finally the CPM officer stopped moving. Holden looked to Miller for cues, and Miller held on for another minute longer, then let go and collapsed under the body to catch his breath.

Their eyes met again.

Miller nodded and rolled out from under the body. On his feet, he touched Holden’s shoulder and helped him up. It was time to go. They went off to try and catch the Rocinante.


	2. Deflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holden and Miller are spending a lot of time together in recovery, and one night in particular, Holden tries to build a little honesty. Too bad that Miller can't be transparent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue-heavy chapters are difficult for me. Please let me know what you think! If there's anything that I really appreciate about the show, it's that they make room for healthy and honest conversation in ways I think we need to see. I definitely wanted to carry some of that here.

Amos hauled both of them into the med bay at the brink of death. What blood was left in Miller’s body drained away when they passed Sematimba’s body. He squirmed, upset. Amos said nothing and cradled them into their seats, then fed their arms through the auto-docs. There was a lot of blood. Fatigue locked up Miller’s body but he fought to stay awake long enough to ask what happened to Semi and find out that Amos killed him. Miller went numb. Everything was fire, death, and delirium. So he drifted away, barely hearing Amos’ words anymore, and hoped he wouldn’t have to wake up again.

But he did.

‘Shoulda been me.’

“What?” Holden called suddenly, throat dry.

Shit, private thoughts becoming public thoughts. “Nothing,” Miller said. Holden was too tired to press.

In the three days since the crew of the Rocinante left Eros, they both spent most of their time next to each other in those chairs. They slept, a lot. until they started waking up together.

“It’s 0413 ship time again,” Holden sighed. “Same as yesterday.”

“Yeah well some of us actually need to sleep, so, if you don’t mind...”

“Okay but isn’t it weird to you?”

“No,” Miller said. “Space does that to you. Don’t tell me you’ve been working out here for years and are still hibernating every night.”

“Hibernating?”

“Yeah, Inner habit. Something about missing your sun... I thought you all grew out of it eventually.”

Holden laughed, weakly. “I’ve literally never heard that.”

Miller smiled. It faded quickly. His skin was hot, nerves shot. Pain radiated through him in dull waves. He didn’t want to be alive. The auto-doc felt like a shackle to life.

Holden sat up a little in his chair. “Hey, Miller, how are you holding up?”

Miller must have been fidgeting with his arm in the machine. Damn. All he said was, “Just peaches. I guess I gotta piss, though.”

Holden watched him for a minute, knowing the Belter was deflecting. Pick your battles, he guessed. “Hm, yeah. Me, too, now that you mention it.” He opened the auto-doc, gingerly swung his feet out of the seat, and steadied himself on the ground. “Care to join me? It might take both of us to get there.”

“Yeah, sure.” Miller fumbled with his own auto-doc and then took Holden’s hand to get out of the chair. He nearly passed out just standing up. He held onto the Earther, who swayed, but was solid enough to keep their balance.

By the time they reached the bathroom, Miller felt like he had run halfway across Eros all over again. He didn’t bother to close the door or wait for Holden, he just unzipped the jumpsuit and relieved himself-- and caught Holden looking. He cleaned up and waited for Holden but his mind slipped away...

“Miller, I’m sorry about your friend,” Holden said.

Miller realized he was staring down the hall and might have been for a while. Holden was too observant and too damn eager. Miller pressed his lips together but said nothing.

When Miller didn’t reply, Holden grabbed onto the Belter-- hands clutched tightly on his clothes-- and started them both back to the med bay. He continued, “And I’m sorry about… I just wanted to... apologize to you for what happened on Eros. I was an asshole to you.”

They looked at each other. “Naomi tell you to say that to me?”

“What? No, Naomi didn’t tell me to say anything,” Holden said. “But she _did_ say that Julie meant something to you, and if she hadn’t said anything, I would never have recognized that. I’m sorry.”

Miller chewed the inside of his lips for a long time, nodding and mumbling a little. “I don’t need your pity.”

“No-- Miller-- No, this is _not_ pity.”

“Easing your guilt, then. Look, you gotta find a way to deal with that on your own--”

Holden’s hands squeezed Miller tight. “I am _telling you_ that _I am sorry._ I’ve been combing through what happened and I saw that situation only in terms of the safety of my crew. I just couldn’t figure you out. I don’t understand what Julie meant to you or why, and I’m sorry.”

Miller stayed silent, eyes down.

“I’m not asking for your forgiveness, I’m telling you that I thought about it and that’s not who I want to be.”

Miller felt that and tried hard not to.

“And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to meet her before that.”

“You got a lot of sorries.”

Holden sighed. “Yeah, I do.”

“Might wanna be careful with that. Sooner or later they’re gonna crush you.”

“That’s not important,” Holden said.

“Of course it is. I didn’t see it but now I get the feeling you’re the kind of guy that likes to take on the whole world. Just… don’t let it get you killed.”

“Are you sure you might not be the one who needs that advice?”

Miller laughed, sickly, for a long time. He eased Holden down into the medical seat, grabbed him by the wrists, and kissed him, deeply.

Holden caught Miller while he tried to slip away. “Miller… What is this about?”

“One last pleasure left.” the Belter said softly.

“I just want to be clear.”

Miller laid back in his own chair, in too much pain for the level of pleasure he wanted right now. “On what?”

“I get that you need comfort after Julie.”

“Julie, Julie… This is not about Julie.”

“I thought you were--”

“Obsessed?”

“Dating, maybe.”

“Nah, put that out of your mind,” Miller said. “And get some sleep.”


End file.
